Dairy King's lair
"I'm a Hot Pepper"
|This transcript is complete.|
- [At night, Raven is levitating and reading a book while Cyborg is playing a video game, Beast Boy relaxes as a cat, and Starfire plays with Silkie on the couch.]
- Cyborg: [Stomach gurgles.] Oh! My tummy's tellin' me something.
- Beast Boy: [Stomach gurgles and he screeches, transforming into his human self. Gasps.] Mine too, bro.
- Starfire: [Drops Silkie and stomach gurgles.] My digestive fluids also wish to relay the messages.
- Raven: [Stomach gurgles.] Shh, quiet, I wanna hear what they're saying.
- [All of the Titans' stomachs growl.]
- Beast Boy: What'd they say, mama?
- Raven: They're saying ... [imitates stomach.] We're hungry for food!
- Starfire: Then let us put the delicious morsels into our internal food sacs.
- Cyborg: Oh, yeah! Who's cooking tonight?
- Robin: [Enters living room from kitchen, playing the triangle.] Oh, Titans! Come and get it!
- [The Titans groan.]
- Cyborg: Oh, that guy.
- [Raven, Beast Boy, Starfire, and Cyborg are sitting at the kitchen table. Robin approaches them, carrying a lidded silver platter.]
- Robin: Are you guys in for a treat tonight! My specialty, [removes cloche.] boiled potatoes.
- Cyborg: Not again!
- Beast Boy: Aw, man!
- Robin: [Eats a boiled potato.] Mmm! I got the mushiness just right. [Eats more.] Mmm! [Chews.]
- [Raven, Beast Boy, Starfire, and Cyborg share disgusted looks.]
- Robin: Come on, don't be shy. [Holds out a potato.]
- Beast Boy: [Slaps the potato away.] So boring!
- Raven: Why do you make the same boiled mush every time?
- Robin: It's like I always say, "When you know what's going in, you know what's coming out."
- Cyborg: Ah! And we wish you would stop saying that.
- Starfire: My flavor buds crave the excitement.
- Beast Boy: Don't worry, all we need is [Holds out a bottle of hot sauce.] a little fire!
- Robin: Hot sauce?
- Beast Boy: That's right. When things get boring, you gotta spice 'em up! [Pours hot sauce on a boiled potato and eats it.] Ah! [Chews.] Oh, yeah! [Transforms into a dragon.] That's what I'm talking about!
- Cyborg: Let me in on that!
- Beast Boy: Comin' at ya! [Laughs and pours hot sauce on a boiled potato attached to Cyborg's arm.]
- Cyborg: [Eats the boiled potato.] It's like my tongue was in a deep sleep, and a spicy prince came and kissed it back to life. [Cheers.]
- Starfire: [Chuckles.] Ooh! Let me try!
- Beast Boy: [Pours hot sauce on Starfire's boiled potatoes.]
- Starfire: Now I see all that was hidden, the truth of life is revealed.
- Raven: [Uses soul-self to pour hot sauce onto a boiled potato.] Spicy ...
- Robin: [Stops Beast Boy from pouring hot sauce on the boiled potatoes.] Stop! You're ruining the meal and your lives!
- Beast Boy: Come on, bro, get spicy with us.
- Robin: [Sniffs, gags, and pants.] I inhaled the fumes ... [Gasps.] Throat closing ... [Coughs. Gasps.] I can't ... Can't breathe ... [Coughs.] Must drink milk to neutralize the effect. [Gulps down a gallon of milk. Gasps.] Close one, almost died. Titans, trust me, you do not want to get into the spice game. It is a never-ending escalation of spice that leaves you spicier and spicier until you don't know what spice is anymore. No, the true spice of life is routine. [Alarm beeps.] Look, it's 7:15, you know what that means. Bedtime! [Runs off.]
- [The lights turn off, leaving the Titans at the kitchen in the dark. They sigh. The next day, the pelican is sitting on the rock. Inside the tower, Raven is sitting next to Cyborg and Starfire on the couch.]
- Cyborg and Starfire: [Sighs.]
- Robin: [Approaches the couch.] What's wrong with you guys?
- Starfire: Our life is lacking the spice.
- Cyborg: I can't stop thinking about that spicy prince. Will my tongue ever wake up again? [Cries.]
- Raven: Everything is so dull now.
- Robin: Then we need to get your minds off the spice. I know, [holds out a potato.] how about a potato? Look at the little guy! How could he not brighten your day?
- Beast Boy: [Hops next to the couch.] Now, who's ready to spice things up?
- Raven, Cyborg, and Starfire: We are!
- Beast Boy: I'd like you to meet [holds out a hot pepper.] hot pepper!
- Starfire, Cyborg, and Raven: Ooh!
- Beast Boy: He's a one way ticket to Spicy Town, yo!
- Robin: First hot sauce, now hot peppers? The spiciness will consume your souls, Titans.
- Beast Boy: Whatevs, eat up.
- Hot Pepper: Welcome to paradise.
- [Starfire, Cyborg, and Raven eat their peppers. Raven screams in delight.]
- Beast Boy: Yeah, mama, we're living the spicy life now!
- Robin: It's not too late, you can still come back to the bland side!
- Cyborg: No way, we're gonna pepper everything up!
- Raven, Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Starfire: Spicy life!
- Hot Pepper: Bring the heat. [Singing.] I'm a hot pepper. Hot, hot, hot pepper, pepper. I'm a hot pepper. Hot, hot, hot pepper. I'm hot like the fire. Hot like the sun. When we talkin' 'bout heat. Me be number one. 'Cause I'm a hot pepper. Hot, hot, hot, pepper, pepper. I'm a hot pepper. Hot, hot, hot, pepper. I'm hotter than hot than hot could ever be. I'm hotter than a billion, zillion degrees. I'm a hot pepper. Hot, hot, hot, pepper, pepper. I'm a hot pepper. Hot, hot, hot, pepper. [Laughs.] Fire!
- Robin: [Peeling a potato.] Ah, so smooth. [Bites raw potato.]
- [Beast Boy, Cyborg, Raven, and Starfire laugh and whoop.]
- Raven: [Laughs.] Spicy!
- Cyborg: All spicy life for life, baby! [High-fives Beast Boy.]
- Beast Boy: [Hand catches fire. Whoops.] Yeah! You are so spicy, bro! [Extinguishes fire.] So hot and spicy!
- Starfire: Do not make contact with me for my skin is the radiant with the heat and touching it will burn you so badly!
- Robin: Titans, calm yourselves!
- Raven: Ooh, what's the matter, Robin? Are we too hot to handle?
- Beast Boy: Come on, guys, let's leave Robin alone with his boring potatoes. [Laughs.]
- Robin: [Stammers.] Hold it right there. Now, just to show you I can spice it up too, [takes out the serving platter.] I went ahead and made something I think you'll like. [Removes cloche.] Boiled potatoes ... Wait for it. With salt. [Sprinkles one grain of salt into the pot. Imitates cat purring.] See, I can hang with you guys. Spicy life. Spicy! [Bites a boiled potato. Chews awkwardly.] Oh, wow. [Groans. Coughs.] It's too much salt. [Spits potato out and places the platter on the oven.] It's got ... Oh. My mouth is on ...[Pants.] Need milk, need milk! Ah! [Gargles down a gallon of milk.] Ah!
- Beast Boy: We don't need salt, bro, 'cause we got [holds up four jalapenos.] jalapenos.
- [Starfire, Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy place a jalapeno on their boiled potatoes. They each take a bite and chew happily for a moment, but are upset.]
- Starfire: The potato still tastes like the potato.
- Beast Boy: We'll just take it up a notch. Serrano! [Places a serrano pepper on his boiled potato and chews.]
- Cyborg: [Chewing.] My tongue's starting to fall asleep again. [Chokes tongue.] Where's my prince?
- Beast Boy: Habanero!
- Raven: Forget the food, just give us the pepper! [Eats four habanero peppers, but spits. Groans.] What is this, candy?
- Robin: I warned you. Your lives have become too spicy, rendering you immune to spices!
- Cyborg: Don't you have a hotter pepper, Beasty?
- Beast Boy: No, bro, I'm tapped out.
- Starfire: So we must return to the prison of blandness?
- Raven: No, there is one pepper we have yet to try. Azarath Metrion Zinthos!
- [A portal is created on the kitchen floor and a black pepper floats out.]
- Raven: [Holding the black pepper.] Behold, the Tears of Zephos. [Thunder cracks.] Grown in the gardens of eternal flame. These peppers inflict great pain and suffering on any foolish enough to consume them.
- Beast Boy: Perfect.
- Robin: This is not perfect. More spice isn't the answer.
- [Raven, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire each take a bite out of the Tears of Zephos.]
- Cyborg: [Chewing.] Mmm, not bad, you know this reminds me of ... [breathes fire and screams.]
- Beast Boy: [Breathes fire and screams.]
- Raven: [Twirls as she breathes fire and screams.]
- Starfire: [Breathes fire and screams until it sputters out.]
- Raven, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire: [Breathe fire and scream.]
- Beast Boy: [Breathes fire and screams.]
- Cyborg: [Breathes fire and screams.]
- Raven: Need milk! [Summons four gallons of milk above the Titans.]
- Raven, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire: [Gulp down the milk.]
- Cyborg: [Pants.] It's not working!
- Raven: [Shouting.] There's only one thing that can save us now. [Summons Ancient Legends.] We must travel to the lair of the Dairy King and drink the infinity milk from his immortal udder! This map shows where he lives... BUT MY EYES ARE TOO WATERY TO READ IT!!
- Robin: Well, well. It would seem the spicy life has consumed your souls exactly like I said it would. [Bites a potato.] So, you guys finally ready to start living life to the least?
- Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire: [Crying] Yes!
- Raven: Yes!
- Robin: Titans, go!
- [Starfire, Raven, Beast Boy, and Cyborg scream as they follow Robin through a desert, cross a lake on a boat, walk past the Mystical Mounds of Gomera, and at the foot of the Dairy King's lair.]
- Robin: We're here. Now, Titans, be cautious. We don't know what to expect.
- Beast Boy: I call first!
- Cyborg: Me first!
- [Beast Boy, Cyborg, Raven, and Starfire scream as they run up the stairs and into the Dairy King's lair. The Dairy King promptly stomps on them and moos.]
- Robin: Give up the milk, Dairy King.
- Dairy King: [Moos.]
- Robin: Then I'll have to take it.
- [Robin raises his staff and leaps, but the Dairy King swats him aside with his tail and moos. Robin throws a birdarang, but the Dairy King uses his ear to swat it aside and moos. He tries attacking the cow's legs, but the Dairy King moos and kicks him away.]
- Robin: How could you have predicted my predictable moves?
- Dairy King: [Moos.]
- Robin: I see what I have to do now. I need a little spice in my life. [Sprinkles a speck of salt onto his tongue.] Ooh! [Laughs.] Spicy! Ooh, that's hot! [Babbles as he runs up to the Dairy King.] Ooh! [Laughs. Babbles.]
- Dairy King: [Moos.]
- Robin: I'm spicing things up! El fuego! [Takes out two grappling hook launchers and grabs two of the Dairy King's teats.] Ooh! [Laughs as he tugs on the launchers, causing the teats to spray milk on Starfire, Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy, draining the udders.]
- Dairy King: [Moos and collapses.]
- Cyborg: Sweet relief.
- Beast Boy: We've should've listened to you when you told us to be bland and predictable, bro.
- Robin: No, Titans, the lesson here is to live life in the middle. Do everything in life halfway. Not too boring, but not too exciting, either.
- Starfire: That sounds reasonable.