"Idol Hands/Transcript"
Issue 3
Idol Hands title card
Digital Release: January 14, 2014
Printed Release: February 19, 2014
Writer: Sholly Fisch
Art by: Lea Hernandez
"Par for the Course"
"Cold Blooded"
Raven (featured)
Beast Boy
The Brain
Monsieur Mallah
Madame Rogue
The Red Bee
Debbi Anderson
Titans Tower
Jump City's Got Your Talent Right Here! studio
"And the Kitties Are Sleeping"
Plot Point
Jump City's Got Your Talent Right Here!
This transcript is complete.


[The first panel shows the Titans watching TV.]

TV program EEEEEK! AAGH! Alligator! Incoming!

Raven: Monster movie?

Beast Boy: [As a cat, eating Burrito Bucket.] Nope ---- reality show.

[On the TV, the reality show, Jump City's Got Your Talent Right Here!, the performers, the Aristocrats, are recovering from attacks.]

Host ... And that was The Aristocrats! We'll see how our celebrity judges rated their act when we return to Jump City's Got Your Talent Right Here! We'll be back in a moment ---- right after we put out the fire!

Cyborg: [Eating a burger.] This is the awesomest show ever! [To Beast Boy.] I mean, where else can you see a dancing bear juggling a trio of one-armed pianists?

Beast Boy: [As a cat.] I know, right? But the best part is when the judges rip into the talentless losers!

Raven: Oh, joy. Public humiliation. Woo-hoo.

Starfire: [Holding a soda.] My friends, I am most pleased to witness the enjoyment you all derive from the talented reality ---- for I have signed us up to compete on next week's broadcast!

[Starfire shoots soda out of her mouth while Cyborg spits out his burger. Raven uses her powers to face-palm and Beast Boy transforms into a llama and spits out his burrito while Robin is left dumbstruck.]

Raven: No!

Beast Boy: YES!

Raven: You can't be serious, Starfire! Why would anyone volunteer to have their self-esteem torn to shreds like that? Why would we want to endure ridicule in front of twenty million people?

[Cyborg and Beast Boy look at each other.]

Cyborg: DUHH! To be on TV!

Beast Boy: [Transforming into a jaguar.] Oh, yeah! I got the moves like JAGUAR, baby!

Cyborg: [Spinning plates on a stick.] I know what we can do! Watch me spin this plate on a stick! [The plate spins off and smashes.] Oops.

Raven: [To Starfire.] You have to call them back and cancel before everyone gets completely carried away!

Starfire: But is that not the point? To be carried away on wings of whimsy?

Cyborg: [Off-panel, with plates breaking.] Okay, maybe this plate. Or this one. Or this one.

Raven: Robin! Be the voice of sanity here!

Robin: Right! I'm the leader of the Titans, and I say ---- we are absolutely not doing this!

Starfire: But, Robin ...... pretty please?

Robin: [Lovestruck.] Ah ... gah ... god ... Right! I'm the leader of the Titans, and I say ---- we are absolutely DOING this! [Raven leaves through a portal.] That means we need training! Calisthenics at five a.m. every day, followed by round-the-clock rehearsals, tap dancing, and celebrity tanning!

Cyborg: Five a.m ... in the morning?

Beast Boy: Um, I don't really tan ...

Robin: No time for chit chat! Go, Go, Go! We've only got one week---- until showtime!

Host Welcome back! It's showtime! There are only two more acts to go, so let's meet the first right now ...

[Beast Boy (as a giraffe), Cyborg, Robin, and Starfire peer from behind a curtain backstage.]

Robin: Okay -- so far, our competition is three singers, a 400-pound biker doing bird calls, and a guy with a musical leg! There's just one more act before us. We can win this thing!

Starfire: That is as I knew it would be! Our unique talents are not easily surpassed. Most acts cannot fly or turn into animals!

Raven: An animal act. That's almost as cutting-edge as a mime.

Starfire: Mime! What an excellent idea, Raven! You could perform classic mime--such as "man walking into the grlzblax!" Assuming the grlzblax does not mind. Or "man pounded into the dirt by a two-ton snorzflor!"

Raven: Kill me now.

Beast Boy: [As a bulldog.] Aw, you're just jealous because your only talent is sucking all the fun out of a room!

Raven: Oh, really?

[Raven drops an anvil, causing Beast Boy to transform back into a human and jump back to avoid it.]

Beast Boy: YIKE!

Cyborg: Shh! Keep it down! The next act's coming out!

Host [Off-panel.] ... And here they are now! Please welcome ---- [Plasmus, Phobia, Monsieur Mallah, The Brain, and Phobia appear.] THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL!

Robin: The Brotherhood--

Starfire: OF THE EVIL?!

Host [Off-panel.] Why don't you introduce yourselves to the audience?

The Brain Certainment! I am The Brain. This is ---- the criminally twisted Madame Rouge ---- the simian genius, Monsieur Mallah ---- Phobia, the mistress of fear ---- and Plasmus, whose burning touch means death!

Host And what will you wacky kids be doing for us tonight?

The Brain I will sing an a capella medley of Lady Gaga songs, while my associates perform interpretive dance.

Beast Boy: NOOOO! Not interpretive dance!

Robin: The fiends! STOP them before they EMOTE!

The Brain BAH! Art is never appreciated in its own time! KILL THEM!

[Cyborg and Robin attack Plasmus with a camera and staff, respectively. Raven uses a director's clapboard to trap Madame Rogue while Starfire destroys the show's logo to crush Phobia. Beast Boy (as a T-Rex) chases Monsieur Mallah as he holds The Brain.]

Cyborg: [While attacking Plasmus with a camera.] Yo, Plasmus! Get ready for your close-up!

Robin: [While attacking Plasmus with his staff.] And your fan ---- club!

Beast Boy: [As a T-Rex.] Dude! Never bring an ape to a dinosaur fight!

Monsieur Mallah Sacre bleu! Your puns are more painful than your punches! How did you Americans ever produce a genius like Jerry Lewis?

Host How about that, fans? Looks like we've got a battle of the bands!

One titanic brutal beatdown battle later --

Cyborg: Oh, yeah! That's right!

Beast Boy: So much for the Brotherhood of ----- Lame! High five!

Robin: [Throwing The Brain.] Teen Titans RULE!

Host Ah-ah-ah--not so fast! Do the Teen Titans rule? That's for our panel of washed-up celebrity judges to decide! [Off-panel.] Golden Age super-hero, The Red Bee?

The Red Bee [Pfft.] What was all that? Energy blasts? A tyrannosaurus? You call that crime-fighting? In my day, we knew how to fight crime ---- with trained bees!

Host [Off-panel.] Former child star of Date With Debbi, Debbi Anderson?

Debbi Anderson Well, jeepers! I think's it's just swell to see young people following their dream! I'd like to applaud their effort ---- but their skills are strictly from nowhereville.

Host [Off-panel.] And, last but not least, what do you say ----Darkseid?

Darkseid Dreadful. Simply dreadful. [Gesturing to Raven.] Not to mention that one's fashion choice! I mean ... really? Even in the bleakest fire pits of Apokolips, this season is all about plaide and pastel --

Raven: That's ... enough! My father, Trigon the Terrible, always taught me: "If people can't say something nice --"' [Enters demonic mode with four red eyes, black tentacles, and fangs.] " -- THEN CONDEMN THEIR SOULS TO ETERNAL TORMENT!" Begone to what you deserve! AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!

[The Red Bee, Debbi Anderson, and Darkseid, along with their table, are transported to a fiery dimension filled with demons.]

Debbi Anderson A - are those ... paparazzi?

The Red Bee What is this ghastly netherworld?

Darkseid Oh, I don't know ...... it seems rather homey.

Robin: R-Raven ... ?

Host H-How did you do that?!

Raven: "HOW?" [Reverts to her normal self.] Just a little something called -- [Off-panel.] "--talent."

[The Red Bee and Debbi Anderson look around the netherworld in terror while Darkseid has a smile on his face.]

Demon 1 ... Just call my agent ...


Demon 3 [As his partner juggles kittens.] ... But what I really want to do is direct ...

Comic ends.

See also